


ilomilo

by things-we-used-tc-share (Heavydirtys0ul)



Series: the billie eilish tapes [18]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Other, Suicide Attempt Warning, this fic is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:28:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26211175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heavydirtys0ul/pseuds/things-we-used-tc-share
Summary: It's a sheer drop down, and at the very edge...is Remus.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders
Series: the billie eilish tapes [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1281875
Kudos: 26





	ilomilo

**_"So, where did you go?  
I should know, but it's cold  
And I don't wanna be lonely  
So tell me you'll come home  
Even if it's just a lie."_ **

**_-ilomilo, billie eilish_ **

* * *

Janus stares at his phone, he’s been ringing it for the past half an hour, call after call in a frantic plea to get the person on the other end of the line to pick up. He runs a stressed, scarred hand through his hair and lets the strands of blonde cloud his vision; for weeks he’s said he needed his hair cut but he didn’t think he’d find it so frustrating until he stood at the edge of a panic attack. _‘Where is he?’_ he thinks to himself, his heart hammering in his chest _‘he can’t have gotten far’_. He can hear in the distance, someone else shouting his friend’s name, a stranger he doesn’t know, a stranger who doesn’t know his panic. 

“Dammit Remus, what the _fuck_ have you done now?” 

He’d gotten the call around 10 PM, his best friend’s brother frantically asking if Remus was at his house, Janus had been confused because Remus said he had something to sort out at home, he hadn’t seen them since last period when they’d walked down the street together before parting ways. His heart jumped in his chest as he thought back to how strangely the younger had been acting all day, overly ecstatic, bouncing around with so much energy (far too much energy, even by Remus’ standards, he was nothing short of manic today). 

What had he needed to sort out? 

He reaches the end of the road shivering in the cold air, tears are starting to prick at his eyes as panic floods him. Janus knows he needs to think, needs to focus on where Remus could be and the places they’d hung out together; but the panic is overwhelming, every joke the other had made about suicide now feels less of a shared existentialism and more like a threat, a loaded gun. He screams Remus’ name into the wind, his chest heaving, before burying his face in his hands. 

The whole _fucking_ town is looking for him, someone surely must be able to find him. But at what time? When it’s far too late? Janus screws his eyes shut, nobody knows Remus better than him and despite the fact that every person and family is looking for his best friend, he knows that it really rests on him to get to Remus before the clock runs out of time. 

The blond takes a deep breath and takes off down the road, winding through streets he grew up in but could not feel more or less like a stranger’s forest. The gravel crushes under his feet as he reaches the edge of town, traipsing along the path as his lungs give out on him, he doubles over dehydration on his tongue and scorching his throat. Adrenaline surges, and he continues forward until he finds a dirt path, practically skidding down the path into a cluster of trees. Still, he moves forward, the darkness not bothering him, nor the nettles and branches attacking him on the way past. He doesn’t stop until he gets to his destination, the other side of this tiny forest, a cliff. 

It’s a sheer drop down, and sat at the very edge...is Remus. 

“Remus!” Janus shouts, the brunet jumps a little, looking over at the other. “What the fuck are you doing?” 

He doesn’t look so manic now, his face is pale, his body is shaking and his eyes are nothing less than gaunt, dark circles under his eyes and cuts scarring his knuckles. “I think...I think I’m about to die Jan.” 

“Don’t be stupid, come on Re, you’ve got your whole fucking life ahead of you yet, both of us, together.” The frantic sound of his voice is choked on tears; if Remus goes over that edge he’s a goner and there’s no doubt about that. “Please, please don’t, I’m _begging_ you.” Remus shivers and closes his eyes, taking a deep breath, it was easier without an audience. Janus approaches cautiously, his steps small, not wanting to scare his friend in any way. “Re you’re my best friend what the fuck am I supposed to do without you? I’m sorry, I know it’s not fair, but I can't live without you at all.” Remus stiffens, suicidal he may be but cruel he is not. 

“That’s not fucking fair at all.” He whispers “So I have to spend the rest of my life in agony?” 

“It’s not forever, we can get you some help I promise, you don’t have to spend the rest of your life like this.” Why hadn’t he noticed? Why had he just always laughed it off? Why didn’t he say something? All these thoughts crash through Janus and all he can consider is how he should’ve noticed, he should have paid more attention, he could’ve prevented this from ever happening, this moment here and now. 

He isn’t sure he can ever go back to normal no matter what the outcome is. “Please, Re, please trust me, I love you and I can help you and I won’t ever for a fucking second, ever again, laugh at those stupid fucking jokes and I’ll listen to you more just please come here...p-please come here.” His knees feel like they’re about to give out and he can barely see through his tears, hiccuping sobs between his words. 

Janus has never felt so _terrified_ in his life. 

“I can’t live knowing you’re not living with me, I love you Remus, I love you so fucking much and even your dumb fucking brother is shit scared right now, even your parents, the whole damn town is panicking and looking for you please, you’re so loved and I’m sorry we didn’t show it properly, I’m sorry you felt like you had to deal with it alone but you don’t have to anymore, I promise you.” 

Remus takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, he looks over the cliff into the depths of rocks and stones on the other side. It’d be a painful death but a fairly quick one if he landed right. Still, Janus’ sobs have his heart splitting in two. 

Is he brave enough to find truth in those words? Brave enough to see if there’s a better life?

He supposes he’ll never know if he ends it now. 

“It’s not your fault.” He says finally “You shouldn’t carry that much guilt…” he sniffles, wiping his eyes “...it’s bad for your spine.” The younger man takes a deep breath and shakes his head, pressing his hands into the dirt and pushing himself backwards away from the edge and further into the dirt, before standing up on shaky legs and approaching Janus. The blond has never cried so much, wrapping his arms around his best friend and clinging onto him so hard that he isn’t sure he’ll ever let go again. 

He does though, just a little bit, just to stare at Remus through watering eyes. He cups the other’s face in his hands shaking his head “I thought for sure you were going then.” He shakes his head “If you ever do that to me again I’ll kill you my fucking self.” Remus smiles through his tears. 

“You better.” 

He buries his face in Janus’ neck and holds onto him, the two of them crying into each other’s arms until the adrenaline wears off and the cold starts to prick at them, exhaustion filling them both. 

They wander back through the forest, Janus refusing to let go of his friend’s hand, back into the town and through the streets. He calls Roman to tell him he found his brother, walking Remus all the way back home on shaking legs. His parents are relieved, hugging them both tightly. Janus doesn’t want to leave, but he knows the family needs time to talk and process what has happened. Roman walks him to the door and the two stand very still for a while. “Thank you,” the younger finally mutters “thank you for bringing him home, it can’t have been easy.” 

“I don’t honestly think...I am ever going to recover from this,” Janus admits “I’ve never been that scared in my life,” he shakes his head, his brain still living in the memory of Remus sat at the edge of that cliff. “All those stupid jokes and I never thought…”

“I know,” The younger of the twins sighs “it’s not his fault, it’s not ours either really, we’ll still feel guilty and so will he but at the end of the day Remus had an illness, and now we know he needs far more support than he’s letting on, I think our parents will be taking him to see a doctor after this, if anything good came from this it’s that at least now they’ll take him more seriously.” 

Janus swallows and nods. “I’ll see you tomorrow Roman, try and get some rest.” 

“You too.” The door closes behind him and Janus traipses home feeling far too heavy. But also the relief is intense, Remus is safe, he’ll see him tomorrow. Everything will be okay. 


End file.
